Messy Grace Read online

  Praise for

  Messy Grace

  “Caleb Kaltenbach cuts through the confusion and talks about what it really means to love people and what is really means to follow God—and how they’re not mutually exclusive ideas. The answer the world is looking for is messy, and it’s full of grace.”

  —REGGIE JOINER, CEO and founder of Orange

  “There is no shortage of conversation on how Christians can lovingly and meaningfully engage their gay family members and friends. Caleb Kaltenbach has an important message for everyone who shares a commitment to both grace and truth.”

  —JIM DALY, president of Focus on the Family

  “No matter what your opinion is on the Bible and sexuality, this book provides a very worthwhile and refreshing look into a very amazing grace-filled story threaded with compassionate truth.”

  —DAN KIMBALL, pastor of Vintage Faith Church and author of They Like Jesus but Not the Church

  “Caleb’s story crushes stereotypes and will make you think differently than you thought before—regardless of your convictions. Anyone who loves Jesus and loves friends and family members who are LGBT is going to want to read this fascinating book. Okay, scratch the conditions. I think anyone is going to want to read this book.”

  —CAREY NIEUWHOF, author of Leading Change Without Losing It, blogger and lead pastor of Connexus Church

  “There may be no greater mess for the church than the question of how to engage with the LGBT community. Messy Grace shows how grace can enter into the mess of life and draw people to the love and goodness of God.”

  —DARRELL L. BOCK, executive director of cultural engagement and senior research professor of New Testament at Dallas Theological Seminary

  “A story that will move you. A spirit that will inspire you. A pastor’s wisdom that will teach you. Questions that will challenge you. Kaltenbach’s exhortation both to treat gay people lovingly and to hold true to one’s convictions is winsome and challenging. His wisdom flows from life, being raised by two gay parents, coming to Christ, and sharing Christ’s love with his parents and loved ones.”

  —JENELL PARIS, PHD, professor of anthropology at Messiah College and author of The End of Sexual Identity

  “This is an important conversation for the church today, and no one’s story makes them better suited for it than Caleb Kaltenbach. In a world that tries to force everyone to take sides, Caleb speaks from the inside of both worlds. Gay or straight, Christian or non-Christian, everyone can learn from and be impacted by Messy Grace.”

  —LANE JONES, director of Strategic Partners at North Point Ministries and co-author of Communicating for a Change

  “Messy Grace is a wonderful, well-written, and highly readable account of the author’s remarkable journey being raised in the gay community and how he came to faith. Caleb provides insightful guidance to churches and families dealing with LGBT issues that goes beyond the worn-out platitudes that have characterized this discussion for some time.”

  —SCOTT B. RAE, PHD, dean of faculty and professor of Christian ethics at Talbot School of Theology, Biola University

  “With uncompromising conviction, Kaltenbach teaches each one of us to hear the heart of God and to be the face of Christ in a broken world. The call for mercy, love, grace, and compassion are written on every page and are both highly courageous and poignantly raw.”

  —MICHELLE ANTHONY, author of Spiritual Parenting and Becoming a Spiritually Healthy Family

  “Pastor Kaltenbach gives his readers much help on what to do and what not to do among LGBT people. At the same time, he recognizes and emphasizes that this is a messy world, and that God calls us to affirm Jesus in the midst of the messiness, rather than to expect a precise answer to every question.”

  —Dr. JOHN FRAME, J. D. Trimble professor of systematic theology and philosophy at Reformed Theological Seminary

  “I loved Messy Grace! These pages are filled with humility, compassion, and powerful insights as Caleb’s story profoundly demonstrates that grace is both messy and beautiful.”

  —MIKE FOSTER, People of the Second Chance

  “Whether you are straight or part of the LGBT community, a Christian or not a follower of Jesus, it will benefit you to read this book. Prepare to be challenged. Prepare to repent. Prepare to be changed. It will transform the way you look at and treat others. I couldn’t put it down.”

  —DANIEL AKIN, president of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary

  “Real, relevant, and relational—Messy Grace steps right into the existing chasm between the Christian community and the gay community and provides the sound biblical direction about how the gospel is the grounds for how we can mend and connect in a Christ-honoring way.”

  —BRYAN CARTER, senior pastor of Concord Church, Dallas, Texas

  “Caleb Kaltenbach has seen both sides of this controversial and complex topic…from his parents and from his pulpit. While it’s tough for everyone to agree on such delicate issues, Caleb takes us back to Scripture.”

  —DAVE STONE, senior pastor of Southeast Christian Church, Louisville, Kentucky

  “The church needs to get this issue right. Messy Grace is an outstanding book that every Christian needs to read. Not only will you enjoy Caleb’s casual and humorous writing style; you will be challenged to live in grace and truth, just like Jesus.”

  —SEAN MCDOWELL, PHD, professor at Biola University, popular speaker, and the co-author of over fifteen books, including Same-Sex Marriage

  “Caleb shares his story with a leader’s wisdom, a preacher’s convictions, and a pastor’s tender heart. When I talk with families (and churches) wrestling with how to love someone who is gay, I will put this book in their hands.”

  —MATT PROCTOR, president of Ozark Christian College

  “I have known Caleb for many years and know of no one more imminently qualified to address the single most controversial subject of our day and to do so with love and grace. Sharing his challenges as a son of gay parents and his convictions as a servant of Christ will keep you engaged to the very last page.”

  —BARRY CAMERON, senior pastor of Crossroads Christian Church

  “Caleb fluently speaks both the language and the emotion of both sides of the issue. And he desperately wants to help us stop picking sides and learn to love like Jesus. He is a great leader, writer, and friend—as well as a walking example of how messy grace works.”

  —Dr. TIM HARLOW, senior pastor of Parkview Christian Church

  “Finally a book on a divisive issue that is handled with grace and truth. Caleb has seen both sides of the issue firsthand, and his counsel is something the church today needs to hear. This is a must-read for pastors and church leaders.”

  —DON WILSON, senior pastor of Christ’s Church of the Valley

  “Pastor Caleb Kaltenbach’s story is one of pain and alienation, pride and determination, brokenness and eventually the healing love of Jesus Christ. This powerful book is a must-read for both Christians and non-Christians alike.”

  —FRANK SONTAG, host of The Frank Sontag Show on 99.5 KKLA

  “Few books will challenge your head and your heart like Messy Grace. It embodies a rare combination of grace and truth and serves as a beautiful reminder that Jesus died for all people. It is poignant, practical, and personal.”

  —JON WEECE, author of Jesus Prom

  MESSY GRACE

  PUBLISHED BY WATERBROOK PRESS

  12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200

  Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921

  All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

  Italics in S
cripture quotations reflect the author’s added emphasis.

  Details in some anecdotes and stories have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved.

  Trade Paperback ISBN 9781601427366

  eBook ISBN 9781601427373

  Copyright © 2015 by Caleb Kaltenbach

  Cover design by Kristopher K. Orr; cover photography by Shawn Marshall, 500px

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

  Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

  WATERBROOK and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Kaltenbach, Caleb.

  Messy grace : how a pastor with gay parents learned to love others without sacrificing conviction / Caleb Kaltenbach.—First edition.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-60142-736-6 (paperback)—ISBN 978-1-60142-737-3 (electronic)

  1. Homosexuality—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Interpersonal relations—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Sexual minorities. 4. Sex—Religious aspects—Christianity. 5. Christian life. I. Title.

  BR115.H6K35 2015

  248.4—dc23

  2015012987

  v4.1

  a

  To my wife—

  I love you so much. Not only are you God’s great treasure to me, but you’re the best person I know.

  To my son and daughter—

  You will be ten times the disciples for Jesus that I am. I’m proud of you. I love you.

  To my parents—

  I would not be who I am without you. This conversation wouldn’t be happening without you. I’m thankful to be your son.

  To Larry and Norma—

  Thank you for loving me. Your support and love are so encouraging.

  To Sean and Jonina—

  I’m no longer an only child. I love you both and love being your brother.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Foreword by Kyle Idleman

  1 A Collision of Communities

  2 Saying Yes to the Mess

  3 The Right Kind of Pursuit

  4 Us Versus Them?

  5 The Power of Touch

  6 No Compromise

  7 The Marriage of Grace and Truth

  8 Choose Your Relationship

  9 Another Way

  10 A Messy Church

  11 Truth to Tell

  12 A New ID

  A Final Word

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  More Reading

  Foreword

  I first met Caleb in college. He was a freshman, and I was a junior. He came with very little knowledge of the Bible (he was a new Christian), but he possessed a huge love for God and people. I saw Caleb as someone eager to learn about God and to make a difference in the world.

  One day we were both sitting outside a professor’s office, waiting to talk to him about a class. I asked Caleb how he came to Bible college and sat in disbelief as he told me about himself. I had never heard a story like that before.

  After graduation, Caleb and I were on staff together at a church in Los Angeles. There we started an alternative worship service for young adults. During that time, I watched Caleb deepen his love for God and people. Because of his childhood experiences, he was able to relate with those who disdained Christians. He understood what it was like to be angry at God for the way believers treated others. God certainly used Caleb’s experiences to touch the hearts of many people. Now, after knowing him for twenty years, I’m still blown away by how God continues to write this story.

  Throughout the years I’ve encouraged Caleb to share his story with as many people as he can. Many of us have told him again and again to write it down. Today, I’m proud that you’re holding it in your hands. Such messy grace takes great courage to share.

  Some authors have inspirational stories to tell, while others have insightful points to make. What makes Caleb’s writing so powerful is that God has given him both. You’ll read about a boy who was raised in the LGBT community, who later followed Jesus. You’ll read about how some Christians hated people he loved, and how his coming to faith wrecked his own relationships. You’ll read about how Christians can hold true to what God says about sexuality while being gracious and loving.

  If you think this story is just about a kid from the LGBT community, then you’ve missed the bigger point. It’s about how we love people who are different from us. It’s about how any story can be redeemed by God. It’s about the messiness of grace and truth.

  When you read this book, you may not agree with everything Caleb says, but you’ll see his heart for people on both sides of the issue. I’ve been personally impacted by what God has done through Caleb and his family. I know you will be too.

  —KYLE IDLEMAN, author of Not a Fan and teaching pastor at Southeast Christian Church, Louisville, Kentucky

  A Collision of Communities

  For a couple of minutes after I pulled into the church parking lot, I continued to sit in my Ford Escape, my hands gripping the steering wheel as if I were still driving. I hadn’t turned the car off yet. Maybe I could back up and attend church down the road. I mean, did I really have to preach a sermon today?

  I closed my eyes and tried to imagine I was somewhere else, maybe the beach or Disneyland. I wished it were some other time than now. But wishing did no good. I was actually here, in the parking lot of the church in Dallas that I was pastor of at the time. This was the Sunday morning in September 2012 I had been dreading for weeks.

  After a while, I turned off the ignition, but I stayed seated in the car. People were pulling into the parking lot around me and heading into the building. Everyone in the church was expecting me to come in and deliver a sermon. What they didn’t know was that I was feeling nervous about preaching this day. Really nervous. Generally, I’m very comfortable with preaching, but I was having an anxiety attack about this particular message.

  Most Sundays, after the sermon, I was bound to hear comments like “That was a good one, Pastor,” or “You sure let ’em have it,” or “I never thought of those passages in that light.” Today, none of those comments would mean anything. Regardless of what I said this morning, someone was bound to get hurt.

  I got out of the car, grabbed my bag, and hurried toward the church.

  After entering the building through the front doors, I had to slow down because I was greeted by a group of church members in the lobby. I put on my church face and shook hands, hugged people, and told them what a great day it was going to be. I laughed at jokes and reminisced about when the Cowboys were a good team.

  As soon as I could politely break away from the crowd, I jogged down the hallway toward my office door. I unlocked it, turned on the light, and collapsed in a chair. A small part of the morning was past me, but the worst was still to come.

  Immediately, thoughts began swirling in my head: How did I get into this? How can I be sure God led me to this day? What kind of a moron would plan a Sunday like this?

  Oh yeah, me.

  Every August I plan the sermon calendar for the following twelve months. During the most recent planning period, I knew that a presidential election was coming up in November. So I thought that for the fall it would be a good idea to do a sermon series dealing with some political issues from a biblical standpoint. We called the series “For or Against.” The idea was to communicate to the congregation that our church should be known for what we are for, not what we’re against.

  When autumn rolled around, many people loved the series, but there were also critics.
The funniest criticism I got was from a woman who complained about the series poster. One side of the poster had a red background with a thumbs-up image on it, and the other side had a blue background with a thumbs-down. Her complaint was that because we had a thumbs-down on the blue side, we were taking a stand against the Democrats. I assured her that I and the guys who designed the poster had no political bashing in mind. She grudgingly accepted my assurance—I think.

  Today’s sermon, however, would bring a whole new set of critics to the table. The title of this day’s sermon was “For or Against Different Lifestyles.”

  I was preaching about homosexuality.

  Yeah, let me say it one more time: that was my idea. Back in August, it had seemed perfect. Today I wanted to go back and punch Caleb-from-a-month-ago and yell “What in the world were you thinking?!” because he was forcing me to preach on a subject that was not only difficult in general but also hard for me on a personal level.

  As I sat in my office, I could hear the worship music start in the auditorium. I waited through the first two songs. They seemed to be going by too quickly. Was the worship pastor intentionally speeding up the songs? At the beginning of the third song, I got up from the chair, grabbed a water bottle and my Bible, and headed toward the door.

  Backstage, I put on my mic and stood there, trying to return the smiles of those around me, until I heard the last song.

  It was time.

  I felt my heart pounding, my stomach jumping, and sweat forming. So I closed my eyes and prayed: Lord, you’re the one who called me into ministry and to this place. You’re the one who allowed me to have the experiences I did. You’ve been forming me and shaping me, and now I am so nervous to proclaim what I know I need to. Give me the confidence and power to do what I must.

  Why was I so nervous? Partly because some of the church members might object to what I was about to say. Partly because church elders tend to get nervous when sermons are too controversial. Partly because it was an election year and almost every sermon could be criticized for being too political. But even more than any of that, I was nervous because my parents were in the congregation on this day.